Adjusting to the changes
Although a divorce in the family is never without tears, there are ways to make this transition period easier for your child, and even though there are no hard and fast rules the tips below are bound to make the transition for your child a little easier.
- Let your child feel secure and loved
Be reliable and trustworthy; pick up your child on time from school or for visits and don’t make promises you can’t keep. Let your child know how to get hold of you, e.g. teach them how to phone you. - Maintain a constant structure
Stick to household routines and be consistent with rules and discipline. A lack of routine and expected consequences makes children feel unsafe. Parents must negotiate with one another regarding the implementation of similar rules and routines in both households.
If you have more than one child it’s a good idea to plan a "date" alone with each child. For younger children who struggle with time concepts, a calendar is helpful for counting down the days.
Parents living away from kids should introduce them to their "normal" living conditions rather than always taking them on special outings: kids want to know how you live. - Understand your child’s need and desire for the other parent
Allow your children the freedom to contact the other parent, talk about them, and keep photos in their room. Do NOT expect your child to take sides, spy or get caught in the middle between parents – speak positively about the other parent. - Make visitation a positive and pleasant time
Be ready at pick-up and drop-off times. Allow children to take whatever toys and books they wish and pack appropriate clothing (parents need to liaise if there are special events which require specific items e.g. swimming costumes). Be amicable towards the other parent and do NOT use the time to discuss issues in front of the child. Do not withhold visitation without legal/practical reasons such as if a child is ill. - Ensure that your children feel confident about themselves
Spend time having fun and being part of your child’s world. Ask for their opinions on family decisions – both small and big ones. Give praise when it is due, not only for doing well at something but also when a lot of effort is put into a project. Beware of criticising your child or the other parent. Show love in many different ways: physical and emotional attention is always valued. - Reassure often
Give ample opportunities to children to express how they’re feeling. Even when they seem to be doing ok, don’t underestimate the effect the separation is having on them. Reassure your children that they are not to blame for what is happening between their parents. Let children know that although parents might grow apart and leave each other, parents do not leave children.
Most crucial is that you look after yourself as children look towards their parents to learn how to care for themselves: do you shut down and keep quiet about things, rant and rave or find a safe place to express yourself? If you happen to cry in front of your children, explain why you are crying (e.g. "Mommy is feeling very sad right now"). However, don’t turn to your children for comfort or guidance. They are not adults. Let them see that you are taking responsibility for yourself rather than placing them in the caretaker role.
No matter what has led to your divorce, you will continue to have a relationship with your ex-spouse because you share children. Your relationship will change and take on a new form based on wanting the best for your children and reaching common parenting goals.
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